aka Leigh and Bloom versus the Three Tank Blitz

Leighroy, I’ve learned through our travels together, has a low tolerance for bullshit. This is one of the many reasons she’s awesome. However, it took a few runs with bad group members before this quality began to shine through, and though she may correct me on this, the next story is the first time I can really remember her stepping forward and truly taking charge when it comes to an idiot. It should be noted that her healer is in full solidarity with her in every case.

This story starts with something remarkable. The random dungeon queue, as anyone who has signed up for it knows, is full of dps. Nearly every group that forms ends up waiting on a tank or sometimes a healer before the group can go. Dps are like rabbits. Seriously, they’re everywhere, and someone is always rolling another one. Someone, somewhere, is rolling a rogue right now, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. This is nature’s way.

In those days, Leigh signed up as both tank and dps, and of course she always got the tank position. Thus, imagine our surprise when we sign up for the Scarlet Monastary Graveyard and find Leighroy slotted in as a dps. My very own Leighroy! A lowly dps! I was as shocked as you surely are now, but it’s true, I swear it on the butterflies and tiny fawns that follow me around everywhere.

But it gets even better. Our group was home to not two tanks, but to three tanks. Two of our dps regularly ran as tanks, but found themselves in the unfamiliar position of having to turn off their threat-increasing mechanics. Somewhere out there, whole herds of dps were weeping, stuck in the queue while we ran around with a group of tanks.

There was, of course, an immediate and apparent problem, one which I’ve already alluded to — Leigh was not the tank. Someone else was in charge of pulling, gathering, tanking, setting the pace, all that good stuff. And since that someone else was not Leigh …

Our new tank, Suisidephyco of the Alexstraza server, had what you might call a peculiar tanking habit. He had no trouble picking up and holding aggro, but I’m pretty sure he was a PvP gnome rogue in an earlier life, because he would not stand still. He aggroed the mobs and then he ran around like a chicken with its head not just cut off, but with the nerves still connected, the semi-attached head stapled upside-down to his torso, and then given several injections of hallucinatory drugs, straight into the brain.

He ran the mobs back and forth, this way and that, forcing our two melee dps to run around trying to catch up and actually hit them. They both shouted at him to stand still, but he would not, and he started getting petulant about their problems with his tanking, which he felt was clearly exceptional. And let’s be clear, I’m not talking about him running around to gather more mobs for AoE. He would gather one group of mobs and then dance all over the place in that one small area, making the mobs scurry about like sugar-buzzed mice.

Leighroy was not about to stand for this idiocy. “Okay,” she said. “That’s it. I’m tanking now.” She flipped on Righteous Fury and took the other tank’s mobs, then proceeded to tank the rest of the instance. He complained, but could do jack all about it, because he couldn’t match her threat output. He whined at her to let him tank, but she simply repeated that she was the tank now.

The third tank decided this was marvelous fun, and he started tanking a few mobs as well. Even the warlock figured this new turn of events was a fantastic opportunity to break out some new moves, and she started spamming that warlock AoE spell (I’ve never really played a warlock, but is it called Hellfire? Something like that?) that damages both the enemies and her own health, becoming a suicide warlock bomber that I had to keep alive. We ripped through the mobs like a lightsaber through butter. When not saving the warlock from herself I dropped into bear form. You know, just to fit in with all the other tanks.

Imagine being the Graveyard boss. You’re standing around, chilling in your crypt, enjoying some nightcrawler sandwiches, and suddenly down through your stairs pours a pissed-off paladin tank, a cackling dps paladin tank, a warrior who won’t stop complaining, a suicide warlock, and a pacifist bear. Then ten seconds later you’re dead. Again. Bad day.

Ever since that day, Leigh has signed up strictly as a tank, just so we never risk having someone else tank for us again.

Moral: If you sign up as a tank, please know how to actually, y’know, tank stuff. If you’re unsure on some things, listen to the advice of people who do know what’s going on. And seriously, for the love of all that’s good, don’t keep moving the mobs around once you’ve gathered aggro on them, especially if you have any melee dps. As a tank, you will take less damage if you are facing your enemies, and the group will do more damage if the enemies are standing still once you’ve gathered however many you want. This means I have to heal you less, which gives me more time for climbing on stuff. And isn’t that what’s really important?

The Real Moral: Don’t mess with Leighroy. Seriously, I’m not even kidding.